12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Holy crap this is wonderful
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Great game to play with friends
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.