[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*orders delivery*
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.