I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
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Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
is this meant to deter me
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.