Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
#DesignFail
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth