[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
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*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.