The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
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Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
thanks auntie mary
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT