200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon