Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?