When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
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I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??