I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!