[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
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nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments