“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
want me to check your oil?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.