Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
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Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
For those that worship cheese..
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
why I oughta
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college