Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
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the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
man i love columbo
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
And then there were 4
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons