*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
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*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Oh my God.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)