My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
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me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
there’s probably a fee though
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .