Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Bless you
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.