one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Human are so complicated
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye