one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
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Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
How your email finds me
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.