Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
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I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato