“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
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Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.