9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
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If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495