When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.