On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
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Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
stand with me against insufficient seating
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
October already? What’s next? November????
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Genius idea!!
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.