I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
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I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’