Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
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my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.