Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I am patiently waiting for your email
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.