WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
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So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
The funk soul brother
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
sin harder.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.