Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
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[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
We all have our pet causes.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis