Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
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ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”