*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
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Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Important
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.