*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
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It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
When you’re Kinky but poor
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I’m a bad influence on myself.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt