@Death_Buddy

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

You Might Also Like

@kwkorpi

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

@st__arving

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

@murrman5

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

@Lani_Hayden

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

@my_minivan_life

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

@Rollinintheseat

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

@AaronFullerton

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”