I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’m aging like a fine banana
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.