I remember when things only cost an arm.
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*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
This guy’s not having it 😆
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
*ernest hemingway voice*
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity