When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
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Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
the three branches of government
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
SCARY COSTUME
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh