After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I don’t think my car can fly
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.