addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Is your wife single?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo