Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
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I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
<- sleeps well with others
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints