Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?