[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
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80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.