me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
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Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother