When I grow up, I want to be 16
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Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.