Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
i choose….tongue
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This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today