Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
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My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.