Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

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“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists


I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.


Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.


[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers


[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope


Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.


the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with


He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?