@abgutman

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

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@ReelQuinn

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

@causticbob

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

@BacklineNurse

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

@bea_ker

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

@robfee

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

@jpbrammer

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?