Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
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Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny