Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
In space, no one can hear…
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.