Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
this could fix me
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
That’s amazing.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’