Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
You Might Also Like
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Big Sex has us all fooled
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox