Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
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People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
gentlemen, hear me out
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated