My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
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Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.