Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I’m sure it’s fine.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.